Neither Rain Nor Time

[Editors Note: This post has been sitting my drafts folder since August 2021. I have preserved the original datestamp, though it was first published almost five years later. Or, maybe this draft mysteriously showed up in today’s mail…]

A few weeks ago I was reminded of the oversized importance of the US Post Office to our democracy. As a student of Prof. Richard John, I am keenly aware of How the Post Office Made America. Many have recognized the Post Office’s role in the American Revolution - the special flat rates for political pamphlets and newspapers enabled their distribution - the bloggers and tweeters of their day, safe from the prying eyes of the British mail carriers.

On the afternoon of April 15th I was busy calculating my estimated taxes so I could file my yearly extension. I had considered a protest witholding, but am actually owed a refund this year 😁.

Partway through my research, my new bff Claude casually reminded me that the US Government has a 3-year hard deadline for issuing refunds. If you file your taxes more than 3 years after they are due, the government will eat any money they owe you. Alarm bells rang. I vaguely remembered that my wife’s 2022 taxes were rejected a few years back, after a dependent-status conflict — her ex had also claimed our kid that year. My wife’s returns were sent back to her, and needed to be manually re-filed. Suffice it to say that chore had been neglected, and on the afternoon of April 15, 2026 I realized we had until midnight to postmark her returns, or forfeit the refund.

I didn’t panic. I knew that the magnificent James A. Farley post office in NYC was open until midnight on tax day. Surely, the Constitution State must provide similar postal relief. A quick search on Google Maps and reality hit. The only Post Office open late in the entire state was located at Bradley Airport, about an hour away. And, only until 10pm not midnight.

When I arrived at the airport around 9pm there were lines out the door. The clerks were efficient and cheerful, and bantered about expecting the predictable rush hour. Something, something… death, long April 15th lines, and taxes. When it was my turn I cheerfully turned over three years of federal and state returns, and asked about which forever stamps they had in stock. Forever stamps are the best investment money can buy. If I knew anything about FinTech, I am certain I could make billions on forever stamp futures, despite their illiquidity. I think it would involve tranches, if I knew what a tranch was. They were all out of American Bisons, but I picked up a sheet of low riders, healing ptsd, Harriet Powers, and the crown jewel of the night, figures of the American Revolution. Just in time for Mother’s Day.

Delayed Delivery

While the clerk was ringing me up, I briefly shared my elevator pitch for saving the USPS.

My idea for saving the post office is relatively simple, and merely extends a feature we have become quite familiar with in the world of digital delivery - I call it “Deliver Upon”, although “Scheduled Delivery” is a bit catchier. I’ll leave naming this service to the marketing department.

Here’s how it would work. Let’s say you take a summer vacation in Graceland, and find the perfect Elvis bust for Gram. You could take it home, but it’s too big for carry on, and Spirit would charge you an arm and a leg for another checked bag. So, you head to a local Memphis post office. You just missed her birthday, but figure you’ll get ahead on your holiday shopping list – you never know what to get her anyway. You tell the friendly clerk you want the package delivered to her home this year on December 23rd. He smiles and asks you if you want to pay for the delivery with holiday stamps, and offers to plaster the box with pretty forever snowflakes.

The total charge for this delivery is quite reasonable, all things considered. The post office’s new delayed delivery service essentially charges for storage, by volume over time, with a nominal service fee on top of the normal delivery by weight charges. (they make bank on cancelling deliveries, for which they charge a hefty fee). Since they have the best storage and logistics network in the country, the new delayed delivery service is a breeze to implement. It is especially popular during peak delivery seasons, since conscientious gifters can completely avoid the lines by mailing their packages early. And, as an added perk, the USPS has a much better handle on the magnitude of surging demand, instead of needing to model the peaks based on historical data.

Coda

The craziest thing about this newfangled delayed delivery service is that there is nothing new about it. The USPS has offered this service since it’s inception, but it’s been highly classified, above Top Secret, run by the Secret Service. Ben Franklin was the first temporal postmaster, sending surprise time capsule packages to every president through #100. The secret service is adamant that the current prez cannot open their package before the delivery date, and has safely protected future packages by dutifully denying their existence.

Keep an eye on your mailbox. You really never know when a package from the past might arrive.